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My heart says wine and my stomach says chocolate, but my jeans say, for the love of God woman, eat a salad
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Eat a salad they say, it's healthy. You know what never gets recalled? Pie. #teampie
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I wish I could be the person I thought I could be when I bought all this produce
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Santa should totally publish the naughty list. What a great way to meet people.
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I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get... well you know... oreos.
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Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on the weekends. Youth Sports: Let me just stop you right there.
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I wanted a puppy. My husband didn't want a puppy so we compromised, and I got a puppy.
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She believed she could and she almost did, but then someone asked her repeatedly for a snack until she forgot what she was doing, so she didn't.
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Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
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Some women like to be wined and dined. I like to be margarita'd and queso'd.
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I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and I'll I could think was, I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me
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Jingle all the way. No one likes a half-assed jingler kitchen tea towel
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Yesterday I quit drinking but tonight we celebrate my comeback kitchen tea towel
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ME: *Getting off the couch* I'll be right back. MY DOG: I'd really feel more comfortable if we went together.
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Sometimes I like to hide my husband's stuff where he can't find it. Like I'll put his keys on the key hook and his coat in the closet.
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Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
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